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[Jan. 3rd, 2007|12:12 am] |
Woot! I got back from APO nationals yesterday, which was pretty fantastic. I spent almost a week with like 30 of my Epsilon brothers, which was so great. We all worked registration on the first day, which was actually kind of fun. I got to talk to like 200 or so people who came through my line, and it was so cool to see that many people. We really came together to get that done, and Jill did an awesome, awesome job organizing all of that. I rode to and from with Jessie and Andrew, and it was really good to get to know Andrew and talk to Jessie more. I absolutely love taking trips with people. Being stuck in a car with someone for long periods of time is one of the best ways to see how people work. My room was also pretty cool. I was kind of sad that Rachel didn;t really enjoy herself. We tried to include her in a lot of things, but apparently we were intimidating becuase she saw the rest of the room as a big group of really close friends. She talked to us individually, but would rarely say anything in the group unless directly asked. I wish we could have done something or she would have roomed with other people. I got to see Bethany again and spend a lot of time with her, which was a lot of fun, as well as getting to know Amy and Julie better. Dan also spent all wekk in our room, so I got to know him too. I was sad I didn't get to see too much of Tree, but I understand why I didn't. I really hope she had a good conference, though it seems like she did. I hope I get to see her sometime coming up, though.
We spent New Years in Louisville, and that was kind of a bummer. We were told to get to the place before 8:00 if we were minors, so when we got there, we checked with the security guard to make sure. He said we had to be there by 10:00, so we went back to the hotel. I wasn;t in the best mood, but after a rousing game of Nerts/Strip Julie, I was in a much better mood. We got back down to Fourth Street Live, where they told us we had to have been there before 8, so we were all kind of frustrated, and under 21 crowd headed back to the hotel, which ended up being good for a couple of people. Dan ended up throwing up in my bed and spent New Year's sobbing with a few of his friends. The rest of us sat around in the room watching the ball and talking a little. I was really glad I got to spend New Year's with Jessie because she's so fantastic. I have a track record of not-so-great New Year's, and this one wasn't too bad. Beforehand with the roommates was fun, and after the old kids got back, we had a lot more fun. The two hours or so between those times weren't that fantastic, but the rest of the night was pretty good.
School starts in less than a week, and I can;t say I'm too ready. It'll be nice to be back with friends, but at the same time I like the relaxing at home. I can;t wait to see Leah some more, but I'm nervous about our new roommate. I hope we all like each other, and maybe with her, it'll be easier to change the not so pleasant aspects of the room. It'll be weird without Karen and Theresa, but I'm not too concerned about that. I don;t do so well with new people, but I think having Leah too will make everything okay. We'll have to see I guess.
I'm getting kind of nervous about APO this semester. I decided to run for Alumni Secretary, so I've got a lot to do with that position, and I fell stress coming from so many different places. Most people just have to worry about what they and the chapter want, but I've got them, all the alumni, and then I'm specifically working with two alumni and two other exec members for formal, and all sorts of other random people for other projects. I didn't realize how much I've got planned out for me. I mean I know I don;t have to do all this, but I think it would be so good for us. Right now I'm just going to focus on getting people back for formal, and that's what Im going to do for now.
And I get to see Monica on Thursday, and I am so excited! Woo. Then it's back to school where I get to take random classes becuase I'm too silly and indecisive to have a major! |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 2nd, 2006|02:00 am] |
It always amazes me how one little thing can mean or do so much. This past wekk hasn't been the best on me, and a few special people have been bothering me a lot, to the point where I slept boxed in under my desk so that I wouldn't have to listen to them or think about them. Today I got online and talked to Justin, who was just sitting across the room. We didn;t talk for very long at all, but it still made me feel so good. He's been having a rough time lately, and I was trying to be a good friend a while ago, but it didn;t seem to be working very much, but tonight, he gave me a really nice thanks, and it just really made me smile and realize how much life is about the people and making the most of it. That's something I really need to work on, and I'll keep trying. Leah, though, has been such an amazing girl in these past few months. I really thought I wouldn;t get along with her, but now I can't imagine living without her. I can;t wait for next semester. Here's to hoping for no more roommates!
I'm really excited for the end of the semester. I feel like finals shouldn't be too terrible, save for German, but finals week may very well be my favorite time of the year. Since I don;t study in abundance, I have a lot of free time to goof off and have fun, though my bruise is still bruised from finals week last fall, so I guess I should avoid jumping from bed to bed again, but I mean, really, where else can you get away with that?
Woo!! Activation was tonight for APO! My second little, Trista is basically amazing. We picked her becuase she looked like Michelle and I, which makes us creepy and fun. But we had a pretty cool pledge class of forty something kids, though I was really sad that only two of them ran for exec. positions. Maybe some will be appointed or pledgetrainers. We'll see. I'm kind of excited for being on exec next semester. Also really nervous, but it should be a good experience. I think Kelsey'll help me with stuff, too, so that'll be nice. I love me some APO. : )
I've been watching someone recently, and I really want to know what goes through her mind when she's doing stuff. She joined APO, though she hates the people in it, so she brings a negative energy to the group. She dropped her best friend from last year becuase of a miscommunication and becuase she put a TV ontop of her DVD player, so it doens;t work very well now. She won;t work out her differences at all, and instead says they can;t be friends, even though they have to see each other all the time. She's started hating someone for not hanging out with a friend one night, which she believes is a complete representation of her character. I just feel like she judges so many people based on one or two things. We've gotten into long and complex conversations about these problems, and even then, I don't understand how she can make these judgements. All of her friends say she's being cold, and I guess she knows she is, but she's saying it's due to the fact that no one really cares to get along with her. I've tried so hard, and I'm ready to give up. It's just so frustrating to see a friendship that at one point I thought was fantastic break up, but I guess it'll be okay. I probably won;t see her much after this semester. I just wish she could... I don;t know. I don't want to change who she is or anything, but it breaks my heart seeing her do these things. I guess we'll have to see how everything works out.
( The amazingness that is Kirksville in one picture ) |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 28th, 2006|05:22 pm] |
Woo for being exhausted. I just got back from APO camp, which was pretty cool for the most part. The spirit today was kind of lacking, but I enoyed the service if nothing else. Last night was also pretty fun, and I love just having time to hang out with my super cool brothers. We went for a night hike, where I got to play with Jacquelyn for a while, and I also spent a lot of time with Jessie. I don;t know what I would do without her sometimes. She's basically fantastic, and she would do so much for me. Okay, so at camp, we wake up at about 7:30 to the radio blasting California Love. Last semester the first thing I saw was Tree's face with the biggest smile ever, and that just had me set for the rest of the day. This year, no one was excited to get up except me, which kind of put a damper on the early morning fun possibility, but that's okay. It was still cool, and I got to see Marlene, which is always a good time, and I did some things I never would have imagined doing in years, which was kind of exciting for me.
Karen's really teaching me a lot this semester. I have never really met anyone quite like her, and it's a good experience. She is a lot more upfront about a lot of things than I ever would be, but she can still have a lot of fun. She's caused a lot of drama in the room and with the friends, but I totally respect her and look up to her. She's definitely my favorite part of the room.
Last weekend was our girl's weekend in St. Louis, which was pretty cool. It was nice to talk to Leah and Theresa more, but I finally realized they're a lot less like me than I thought they were, which is fine, becuase look at the girls I lived with last year, but I'm kinda bummed I judged them wrong. I mean we'll still get along and be friends and everything, but it's not what I thought it was.
It's almost November, which is really kind of crazy. I register for classes on Wednesday, and I don;t even know what to do anymore. I really hate the fact that I'm still undeclared. Everyone's trying to make me feel better about it, but the truth is, that's not going to come for a while. I hate feeling like I'm wasting time, but that's what I'm doing. If I knew whatelse I could do with myself for a semester or two, I would totally take time off because my major search is going absolutely nowhere. One day... one day.
Anyway, things are going fairly well. I've got stuff going on, and cool people to be with. I continue to learn all sorts of new and exciting things, and it's pretty fabulous. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 4th, 2006|08:54 pm] |
Last week I went to the Rec with Theresa, and ever since then, we’ve been talking quite a lot about everything, and I love it. It’s nice to be going back to having a roommate that I can talk to about real stuff. I’ve missed that ever since Charona got Warren. Jessie is also fantastic. The first time I ever really talked to her was at Relay for Life last April, but since then, I’ve been talking to her a while too. We have a weird relationship, but it works so well for both of us. I talk to her in a way I’ve never talked before. It’s fantastic.
Last weekend was really nice, despite doing nothing. Garrett got me so frustrated so much, and I hate that I continue to let him get to me. I’m doing better with most people, however, so that’s good I guess, but eventually I’m going to go off on him like no one deserves.
Ooh, initiation was on Friday. Michelle and I got our little Trista. Michelle picked her because she is the one in the pledge class that looks most like us. I thought that was really funny, but she seems really cool, so hopefully she’ll start to hang out with us and get to know us. Jay and his little are working out fantastically, and I couldn’t be happier. I feel like I wasn’t the best big for him, so I’m glad he gets the opportunity to be a fantastic influence on her.
Today, the day I thought was going to be the day from hell, wasn’t too bad. I figured out my logic quiz relatively easily, United Way was really productive, we played gaga at the Y, and my German presentation over nationalism went surprisingly well. I was still scared out of my mind and used my note cards, but I did it!! I thought that three years on the speech team would make me less nervous in front of people, but I was wrong. Oh well. I’ll keep working at it. Don’t have too much else to do, so yay. Things are good. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 24th, 2006|10:04 pm] |
The one thing that kind of sucks about four person rooms is the tendency to always have two sets of roommates alligned very closely with each other. In every disagreement, there are always the same two sides. I didn't know getting into this room that it was going to be like this again. Karen was upset one morning, and I was talking to her, and I said somehting like we're all here for you, you know typical cliche stuff, but she said, "No, you're here for me, not the others," and it just really hit me. I hate this. I mean I absolutely love my roommates, and 90% of the time we work out perfectly, but I hate her feeling like that, but it should be all right. I got a couple of hours of Karen time, and talking with her always makes me so happy. I love that I have people like that up here.
I'm really glad I went home this weekend. For a while, I didn't really want to go, but I promised rides, so I had to, and I couldn;t be happier. Being away from the stressors of here for just a little while was fantastic. I did fine with the ride home with Leah, Cherish, and Andy, and the ride back with Cherish was fantastic. I also went to Katie's birthday party, and that was really what I needed then. I got to step back, away from everything at school, and just have a good time. I got to meet some cool people, and it was awesome to hang out with Katie, Jess, Patrick, Brittany, everyone. It was just one of those escape from everything moments that I get so rarely here.
I think I might have gotten myself in to deep this semester with stuff, but I'm working through it, and for once I don;t feel overwhelmed in this situation, which is such a fantastic feeling. My feelings have been all over the place for a while, but right now I'm doing great, so that's what I'm concentrating on. An awesome weekend, an awesome roommate talk, carrides I was scared about working out fantastically. Avoiding homework, also great! Tomorrow I'll get to it, tonight I'm just happy. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 9th, 2006|01:31 am] |
Tonight was pretty fantastic. I got out of class in a sour mood, but after the meeting for my scholarship (United Way, what what?), things started to look up. I'm really excited about volunteering with them. I don;t know exactly what to expect, but it seems like it will bring me out of my comfort zone a little bit, which is going to be good. I never thought I'd say that, but small steps, small steps. Anyway, after that an a weird dinner at Ruby Tuesday's, we decided to go to the bridge. I got me my little, and the seven others and us all headed out there. It's just so peaceful and relaxing out there. Jay and I wandered off into the fields and played around for a little while, and it seems like anytime I'm with him, no matter what I'm doing, I'm always happy. It's fantastic. Even the carride with him, Garrett, and Glee was fine. The wind and the feeling on the bridge directly over the trains is just fantastic and has a way to wipe everything away. I was rather relieved that Andy didn;t come along. I really need to work on that so much. I don;t want the rest of the semester to be hating my room life, but to have that not happen I need to face things within myself and not just run away from my problems like I always manage to do, but you know what? I don;t know if I'm ready. I want to talk to my roommates about it, but I don;t think I'm quite to that point. I don;t know. It just keeps stressing me out.
The other thing that's kind of freaking me out is that the girl who asked for a roommate last year that I was going to go with. I talked to her too late though, so she roomed with another one of our friends, Alyson. She came up to me Tuesday freaking out that Lacey was leaving Truman for the semester or for good. Lacey's been super stressed out, and over the weekend had a complete break from reality. She was writing unintelligibly in handwriting other than her own. She was acting like a four year old and would change her mood at the drop of a hat. She would go around the room touching all of the things of the same color in a room, and just a lot of bizarre behavior. It just kind of scares me. I don;t know what all caused it and what was going on, but the fact that that could happen when days before she seemed so normal is so scary. I'm just hoping for the best for her and Alyson becuase they both need some help and peace because it's kind of scary.
This weekend shall be good. My roommates are pretty awesome and we shall have fun. I've got lots of homeowrk, but hopefully lots of time too. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 4th, 2006|11:54 pm] |
Yay for long weekends! This weekend has been pretty good. Lots of time with Theresa and Cherish, which has been a lot of fun. They're both really fun, and I'm getting a lot more comfortable with them. Jessie's also been around a lot, too, and I didnt; really get to know her until the end of last semester, so it's nice to get that bond going again. With everyone leaving campus, though, it means Andy and Garrett for real have no one to hang out with, so there were with us all the time. I don't understand why they like to be around so much. I'm about to snap at Garrett. I'm basically always mean to him, and he never understands it. You can;t really tell him off or he'll get too sad. The goal is to get him out of our room more. Then there's Andy, who everyone seems to like a lot better, but I really think I'm scared of him. He seems to have no regard for feelings, and everything's a joke. I don;t know. Something about him makes me SO uncomfortable, and unfortunately, I think I'm alone in that. Our goal was a them-free day, but after APO volleyball, there was no way. As much as I complained about Brandon last year, at least he was a rational human being. I could talk to him. I could tell him to leave. I could respect him. I didn;t think I would be cursed with two guys, both worse than him. Maybe next semester when Theresa and Karen are gone, Leah and I can get them away. That's my only hope because I hate being in the room with them here, so we'll see what happens. But then there are those others that stop by all the time that just make everything worth it.
I'm not ready to go back to class. I've switched positions on this as well. Last year, I was so motivated, but I just could not do any of my work, this year, I have no motivation whatsoever. I guess it's good to have the ability to do work, but it still sucks. I'm just so terrified of becoming what I was my senior year especially. I talked to Theresa last night about a lot of things. She's super involved, and as much as I'd like to be, I don't know if I could take it. I think after talking though, it's clear to say I'm not ready for a lot of things. I told her honestly why I don't drink, and it felt good. I'm finally accepting things for myself about myself and my life, and it's comforting.
It's only the second week of school and I'm already starting to lose it. This is bound to be an interesting semester. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 27th, 2006|07:22 pm] |
Well I’m finally moved into Truman, ready for another amazing year. I’m really excited about my room, though I’m also a little nervous. I still don’t know if living with an established group of friends is really good for me or really not, but so far it’s good. It’s so amazing to see everyone, and as we were moving in yesterday, so many people stopped by, and I was so excited. That’s what I missed so much about this summer. And my Little lives right upstairs, so that should be fun. But even so, it’s so weird to go to my room and not have Charona, Abby, or Sarah acting stupid. I miss those girls so much, and I know I’ll probably get to that point again, but I don’t know if there is ever going to be a group as good for me as they were, but it’s only the second day I keep telling myself.
I’m still nervous about classes. I’m such a baby about those things, I feel like. I’m freaking out about my major that doesn’t quite exist, and now I’m finding myself struggling through classes that I don’t even need to take, and it kills me. Maybe one of these days I’ll figure it out, maybe not.
I just really hate transition periods. Give me a week or two, and I’ll be so happy up here, but I really don’t like changing. I didn’t like home either, so this is what’s best for me. I probably should have gone out with my roommates to the movies, but I’m just not up to that. I just don’t want to become the odd one out, which I can see, coming into a room with three best friends. I really like two of my suitemates, Glee and Cherish. They put two pairs of people who requested to be roommates in the same room. I don’t know how I like that. We’ll see how it works out, but a division is basically already there and will be hard to go out. Yay for pessimism tonight. In a few days things will be great, maybe even with classes. I don’t know. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 4th, 2006|04:21 pm] |
Well summer is going farily well. I can't say I really know what I expected, but it is so weird to be around the people I haven't seen for a while. I miss people from school, and I hate to look at myself as two different people: the person I am with people I used to hang out with all the time and the person I'm with when I'm with my school friends. I'm working on it becuase I want to keep the person I am at school going becuase that's where I feel truly comfortable. We'll see how it goes.
Camp is going well. It can be very draining at times, but some of the kids are so cool that it's worth it. The instructor I'm working with, Jamie, is one of my favorite people right now. She's always fun to be around and has random fun stories for everything. I'm learning a lot working with Felicia, the 15 year old assistant. She drives me absolutely crazy, but I'm learning more about dealing with people. Some of the transformations kids make from Monday to Friday are amazing. I'm having so much fun. I got offered a job to teach for three weeks in August, and I'm pretty bummed that I'm going to be on vacation becuase that would be an amazing experience, and I know there are so many people there to support me. Maybe next year that will come, we'll see.
The past week has been filled with doing lots of things with David, which is still a big struggle. I'm trying and trying to make things better, but I don;t know if I'll ever get to the point I want to be, and unfortunately, the plan is now just to ignore it and stay like it is now, stressed out when he's around, and forget him when he's not. We'll have to see how it goes and how vacation is in August.
What I'm really looking forward to now is Friday, a day with Monica. Our relationship is unlike any other I have. I haven't talked to her since February, and before then since August, but we still are able to have a great friendship, and I can;t wait to spend time with her, playing and talking. I know it's really what I need right now, and I couldn;t be more excited.
I need to face some of my biggest demons, but I keep running. I'm surrounding myself with everything so that I don;t have to think about everything, but I'm getting tired of it. I'm ready to go back to school where I'm surrounded by the people that I've come to love and need. But I'm trying my best to love what's around me now, and I'm having fun. Last night with a lot of people I'm not very close to was awesome. I'm being a lot more open to others, which is nice, but I still feel like it's silly to make connections up here, but if I don;t I have nothing to come back to. Oh well. The times I'm having with my friends now are some of the best I've ever had. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 31st, 2006|12:27 am] |
Woo summer! I'm really glad to be out of classes and whatnot, and I'm having a lot of fun with my friends. Two picnics in the last week that have lasted far too long, but have been immeasurably fun. It's nice to be back and see people I haven't seen for a while, but I kind of want to be up at school at the same time. I thought I was so much better becuase I went away to school and overcame a lot, but it was a big slap in the face when I came back and realized I had just avoided my demons, and I'm really not up to fighting them. I want to go back to my ignorant little world and not worry about it, but when I'm at home, it's the only thing on my mind. I guess we'll see how the rest of summer goes. It could be long, but the times when I get to go out and be with people I love are totally awesome that it's almost worth it.
I'm also excited to go back to school becuase I'm oddly excited about my roommates. When room assignments came around, I was bummed that I wasn't living with any of my current roommates because we had a lot of fun, and it took a month or two to first talk to them, and I didn;t want to go through that again, but looking back at the year, another year with any of my roommates would have been a disaster. We were an amazing group of girls, but more than that one year would have been a bad idea. I'm so excited though about a new group of girls, who I'm already comfortable around. I've talked to Leah and Karen only a few times, but those were some of the best nights of the last few weeks of school. Whenever I talk to them it's like I've known them forever. And then there's Theresa, and I've stuck by her since initiation first semester. It should be fun.
Since coming home, I've had the wonderful (haha) opportunity to continue babysitting. It has been a nice reality check, though. I curse myself for agreeing to babysit everytime I go to their house, and by the end, I need to be shut in my room for a few hours to recuperate. It's kind of ridiculous, but then I got to thinking. I dread going up to be in that house for two or three hours. Imagine how the kids feel. The only time Alex gets out is for school and to go to the hospital. Shannon is luckier, she can go out more, but she's still stuck there most of the time. Well last time I was up there Alex's shorts lifted a little and I saw about a 10 inch scar that looked like it was from surgery. He saw me loking at it and told me it was from when he tried to kill himself. He's seven freaking years old. I just wish there was something I could do for that whole family. They're a mess, but I'm lost.
Things are going fairly well though. My parents and I are leaving bright and early tomorrow to go visit David in Orlando. That should be fun, I hope. It's looking like it'll be a lot more stress-free than any of our other vacations in the past seven years, and it'll be nice to get out for a while, despite still being in a fight with the weather, though the ninety degree weather this weekend made the frigid river bearable. Our lips were purple, we were shivering, but that water felt so good. That's the only thing I missed about warm weather. But the river is so much fun, and for once, I'm at a place in my life where I can just let everything go up there and not be so negative. I had a great time despite everyone yelling at everyone else when putting in the dock. I sat and watched, completely content with my job holding the dock away from the neighbors boat. That was a good feeling. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 9th, 2006|01:11 pm] |
As time here winds down, I'm ready to go home, but I'm not ready to leave all the wonderful people, which seems to be the common theme. Our room is half-packed, and I'm really going to miss these girls. At the beginning of the year, I really didn't think they were going to be people I got close to. I barely said a word to them the first month and a half of school, but now we talk about everything. Sunday night Charona, Abby, Liz (my suitemate), and I had a slumber party in our room where all four of our mattresses were on the ground. We spent about an hour jumping from bed to bed, having pillowfights, and after that was over, I knew that I would miss this room so much. I know we probably would not get along if we stayed together for another year, but looking back at all the fun times we've had, the quotes we've shared, I know that these girls have made such an impact on my life. I never thought I could change so much so fast, but it happened. I am looking forward to my room next year, though. It will be a challenge to be an equal part of the group seeing as my three roommates are basically best friends, but I've found out structure is good for me, and they are amazing girls.
Friday night was a perfect way to have my last weekend here. Jacquelyn turned 21, so she and her roommates threw an amazing party. There were far too many people in their tiny apartment, but once it got down to about 20 people that I knew, I had so much fun. I think that was the first time I ever just danced and danced. My little, Jay, came with me, and that was pretty awesome. I haven't hung out with him much, but getting to know him even better was fun. And he made me dance, which was even better, though he could beat everyone at a dance off. I got to see everyone for one last time before going home for the summer. I don't know a better way I could have spent my last Friday night here.
Saturday night I thought about going to my other big's house for their end of the year party, but for whatever reaosn I decided not too, but I sure wish I would have. I ended up with Liz and Abby and we made a cake because Charona's birthday was on Sunday. Since October or November we've been planning on going to her boyfriends fraternity to have a drinking game competition. Basically they wanted to get me to go to a frat party. In about February, I agreed, and we've been talking about it since then, so I decided to skip the "plateau party," and stay true to my commitment, but she forgot about us, so we ended up over at the house to surprise her. She didn;t seem to care that much, and while Abby and I took a walk, Liz went off on her, and that just made things awkward. I think Saturday night was the most uncomfortable I've felt all year, but whatever. Abby and Liz didn't seem to care too much about anything, so all I wanted to do was go back. Finally we left, and got back where we had many laughs by Sarah's drunken boyfriend. I think that's the first time I'm ever been happy for him to be drunk and obnoxious. It was better than what I had been doing.
Now I've only got one final left. I'll be home either Thursday or Friday, I haven't decided. I'm ready to get away, but I'll miss everyone and everything very soon. So is life though. This year has been pretty amazing, and I really am ready for some more. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 3rd, 2006|11:46 pm] |
Last night were APO's senior wills. About a dozen seniors gathered in front of the meeting, recalling all the good times in Epsilon and giving away the useless shirts and treasure they have been given over the years. I used to think it was silly all the 'lasts' people celebrated, but I'm starting to believe they're not so silly after all. Lots of joking around was had at first, but as my grandbig, Katie, got up and just started bawling I realized how final this was. APO has changed me so much, especially the people. If it weren't for my friends, I wouldn;t be who I was today. I just wish I could have gotten to know them all a little bit better. I hate how I'm still getting to know Tree and Bethany and Jackie and everyone. I feel like our friendships have just started, but in two more weeks, they won;t just be across campus. I won;t have anyone to sleep with during APO sleepovers. I won;t have the good drunk girls to flirt with anymore. They all talked about the friends they've made, and I just wish I could have been better friends with them, but at the same time, I was the only freshman to get willed stuff to by more than one person, which made me happy. Why couldn;t I have found them a few years earlier? They're absolutely amazing people, and I just wish I could have gotten to know them better, though I hope we still do keep in touch. Roadtrips to Columbia for Jackie and Iowa City for Bethany are being planned, and I couldn;t be more excited.
I decided to stay in Kirksville this weekend just to go to Jackie's birthday party. Her parties are always where I'm able to let loose and be comfortable with this group of people I've come to know and love. And last time I got asked by my drunken Stats professor, "Do you like boys too? Or just girls?" He laughed when I told him I didn;t like girls. I think this will be the ultimate way to go out and remember all the crazy nights I've spent with these girls. From the train bridge to New Orleans to Camp to just hanging out around the apartment. I wish I wouldn;t have been so shy at the beginning. I always looked up to them, but it took me forever to put myself out there and get to know them, but every minute of it has been amazing. At camp Tree was saying, "You won;t miss us. Next year you'll have tons of people to replace us and you will barely remember us." I can;t imagine that. These are the people that have taken me completely out of my shell. They've shown me how to have fun. They've shown me how to be a friend. They've shown me that someone's always looking out for me. They've shown me that some of the most fun I could have would include train bridges on clear nights and just laying down, not saying a word. I will never forget what they've taught me. When they've laughed at me. When they've hugged me. When they cared.
It took me until Senior Wills to really understand the fact they're leaving. "I want to linger a little longer, a little longer here with you. It's such a perfect night. It doesn't seem quite right that this should be my last with you" That's the song the seniors sing at camp every semester, and I know if I heard it right now, it would hit me so hard. If only there were more time.
That was kinf of long saying the same thing over and over again, but it's the truth. |
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[Apr. 30th, 2006|12:36 am] |
The end of the semester of course means activation! Last night, 34 pledges became official members of Alpha Phi Omega-Epsilon. It was a lot of fun bcuase I've gotten to know almost all of my pledges, and it was cool to see my roommates and my little. While we were lining up, Stephen and Jill were talking next to me about pledgetrainers, and I pretty much realized I didn;t get at that moment, which wasn;t how I wanted to find out, so I held out my hope, but I got the phonecall today that I didn;t get it, but I'm okay with that. I'll keep applying. It would have been so cool to work with my little and my big and my brother-brother and so many other cool people, but I know my time will come. I hated how I knew that Rebecca, Jay, and Michelle all got it, and I was pretty sure I didn't, and we talked for a long time about it. Oh well. I'll still be at pledgemeetings and have a little and everything. I remember looking back to when I got my little's application to be a pledge, and I freaked out because he was a guy, and generally speaking, the male sex and I don;t get along so well, but this experience was definitely a good one for me. We're closer than most big/little combinations, and he makes the fifth guy up here that doesn;t make me uncomfortable. This semester's paddles say, "Thank you big. May I have another?" which is totally inappropriate for a paddle, but was oddly applicable becuase Jay and I are always grabbing each other's butts, and spanking them is somewhat similar. As I was looking through the pledge class last night, I don;t know if any little would have been as good for me as he was, which is awesome, and I'm so thankful for.
We were supposed to go to Leisure World for roller skating afterward, but my family decided to go to Michelle's for pre-senior wills, so that Tuesday's meeting won;t take forever. Only 8 people showed up, and only one was willing stuff, but we still managed to stay at Michelle's for far too long, so I just went back to my room and slept, only to be awakened by my roommate's boyfriend getting naked. Needless to say, I stayed in bed for that escapade, pretending to still be asleep... They are kind of questionable I must say.
I wish I weren't so ready to get out of my living situation. I love my roommates, but being around a certain one all the time is really driving us apart. Sarah and I have managed to get closer over the past week or so, which is pretty awesome becuase she's always been the one most distant from me, so it's nice to get to know her. Hopefully next year's rooming works out well. It's looking to be good.
Less than two weeks left of school! I'm excited! |
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[Apr. 22nd, 2006|03:45 pm] |
Last night was Relay for Life, which was pretty amazing. Thursday we learned our lip sync, which was not the easiest task, but getting up in front of so many people with like 25 of my amazing brothers was really cool. Someone told me last night, "Karen, you're dancing too? You're just changing everything! I can;t keep up, but I love it." That was really powerful. I don;t hang out with people that I went to highschool with for the most part, but to hear that from someone I've known for seven or eight years now was amazing. We then proceeded to play DDR at her campsite, and how can that be bad?
When I first got there, I was so nervous becuase I didn't really want to talk to anyone. "My group" wasn;t there, and that was all I really wanted. By about 12 I laid down with Anna, who always seems to make me happy, and after laying down for a while, I started talking to Jessie. I really thought that after sectionals two weeks ago I wasn't going to want to be around her too much, basically because I was being immature and cranky at sectionals, and she seemed to make everything worse, but walking around the track and just talking to her, we're closer than I ever thought possible. It's been a while since I've felt that way around someone. Walking around this horrible gravel track arm in arm, stopping only for hugs and hot chocolate was what I've been needing. I was so sad when I relaized Relay was almost over becuase I could have walked for hours just for that.
I came back to my room to my drunk sleeping roommate saying, "Help me" over and over and over becuase her boyfriend was taking up most of the bed, and she was falling off. I held her legs in her bed for a little while, but then I couldn;t stop laughing, but that apparently woke the boy up enough to scoot over so she wasn't falling off anymore. I needed a laugh, and at 6=six in the morning that was hilarious. |
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[Apr. 12th, 2006|02:50 pm] |
You know, last night at the train tracks, I just looked around, and I saw 10 of the coolest people I've met this year, and I just smiled. Things are amazing right now, and nights spent at the bridge are amazing. I was really frustrated and tired last night, but after Bethany invited me to go with everyone, I was excited. We met at Bethany's apartment, and Michelle went inside to talk to Tree. Tree was listening someone introduce everyone, and when she said, "This is Karen," she freaked out and got really excited and ran out to come play. Little things like that are what make everything so wondeful. AND we got to see FOUR trains in less than 45 minutes. This group that I just happened to fall into for having super cool bigs is absolutely amazing. I'm the baby and they look out for me, and for once, I'm not the person taking care of others. I'm excited for the rest of the semester with these amazing kids, though next yer will be odd different without a lot of them. I finally knwo how I'm supposed to feel and act with friends, and it's an amazing realization, one I've been waiting for for a long time.
APO sectionals was also this weekend. When I found out my car, I was kind of nervous. I didn;t know one of them, one of them makes me uncomfortable, and the other just annoys me, but the four hour trip wasn't too bad. After a lonf night of waiting, I was concerned that I wasn;t going to have too much fun, but once we got everything squared away and we went to the apartment we were staying in, everythign got better. We stayed up late talking and having fun, and the two other freshmen and I had a little cuddlefest that night. Saturday was also a lot of fun. I started LEADS, the leadership courses offered at conferences, had some lunch with some of my cool brothers, but the highlight of the day was indoor rockclimbing. Some of us were better than others, but it was so much fun. I got to be the human wrecking ball at one point, running into five of my brothers hardcore. Maybe they should have been paying attention. : ) There was a lot of chilling out time, and I got to talk to Theresa a lot, which makes me feel a lot better about next year. We get along really well and are fairly similar in a lot of ways, so our room should rock next year.
This year has been everything I could have hoped for. I just hope that everything else can be half as good as this year is becuase, despite the minor difficulties and struggles, everything I need has been provided for me, and I really am happy. |
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[Mar. 27th, 2006|11:09 am] |
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Woo... another fun weekend, well, for the most part. This was my first official APO camp at Camp Thunderbird. I got to hang out with some really cool brothers before everyone showed up. Lately, I just feel like I can;t get enough of APO. New Orleans, Camp, next weekend is Formal and Big Event, Sectionals is the next weekend... it'll be fun though. Anyway, I got to meet and get to know a lot of people a little better. Finally, when everyone got there, the pledges lined up and were blindfolded and led to campfire. The nicknaming ceremony is always a lot of fun because bigs are crazy when they pick nicknames for their littles. I officially have a little named "Fred-eatin', street-swingin', butt-ticklin', plug-free, jandom, scary, Brothel-omew Fillydid." Hey, he wanted a long nickname. It's just one of the fun Epsilon traditions. The nicknames aren't used for anything except interviews, but they're still a lot of fun. After that was sing a long time, which was cool, though it was so weird to see some of my super cool friends singing "Linger" becuase this is their last camp, but we will always have their stories and plenty of people to fill in theur shoes. After campfire was Mr. Epsilon, which is a drag male beauty pageant. Four guys competed, and a lot of laughs were had by all. The coolest part of the night, though, was the night hike. A group of about 30 people went to a "flat grassy area" also known as a dam, and sat and laid out under the stars, telling bad jokes and just listening. It was a beautiful night, and the stars were so bright and wonderful. That night we all slept on the cold concrete of a giant building. I got to sleep by Tree for old times sake, and we stayed up late talking, which was great, like always. At 7:00 we got our wakeup call for the morning, "California Love" on repeat. The first thing I saw when I woke up was a giant smile on Tree's face, so that just put me in a great mod for the rest of the morning. We split into workgroups for Saturday Service, and my group's first task was to make a quail habitat, which basically meant taking pils of sticks and thrwoing them all over the ground. We made a nice mess though, and that was the goal, so yay! We then joined the other groups and tried to make a trail in the woods, but without a whole lot of tools, most people sat around, so we made a vine into a swing, and a lot of people had a lot of fun with that. We got back together for pictures and our (now) traditional leg-wrestling. Tree took me down hard, but it was cool. Soon it was time to go home, but overall, camp is fantastic, and I wish we would have been able to go to real camp last semester. Day of Service at Camp Jo-Ota was amazing, but Camp Kirksville just isn;t anywhere near as cool as real Camp.Saturday we were all really tired, so I basically went straight to bed, skipping out on movie night, which I kind of wished I would have gone to, but there will be others and more time to spend with those people. Anyway, I am just so glad I decided to rush last semester. There couldn;t be a better group of people for me. My bigs are awesome. My friends are awesome. I couldn;t have asked for a better little, and though we are extremely bizarre, especially together, we have a whole lot of fun. I'm kind of on an APO high right now, but I'm glad! |
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[Mar. 1st, 2006|11:57 pm] |
So I finally got a roommate, well three. I will be living in a quad again next year, which may be the best thing for me, but it also may not be the best. I was afraid of going into a room with a roommate I didn;t know, and the only people that have asked me to live with them are off campus. People kind of asked last semester, but by now everyone had roommates basically, so I looked today, and we'll see how it goes. the only bad thing about this compared to my other options is that I know I won;t be as close to some of the people I really love this year, but I guess you have to make sacrifices. I know it'll be okay.
I'm really getting excited about spring break. We had our meeting tonight, and although we didn't get the car of people we wanted, I'm riding with Michelle, Tree, and Amy Shipp, and although I don;t know Amy, I love Tree and Michelle, and I think I can take 15 hours of them. It'll be intense, as will the whole week, but it should also be a lot of fun. I just hope it's enough of a break for me. There's only one person out of 21 I don;t really want to be around, but everyone I would be happy to spend with. This is my first time doing anything like this, but it'll be great. My APO brothers rock, and we can make anything exciting.
I think I'm going to go home this weekend. It should be fun. I'm glad I get a chance to go home. Breaks are basically amazing.
Anyway, I hope everyone's week is going very well. have a good one! |
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[Feb. 24th, 2006|04:09 pm] |
So I for real need to change my life around. Over the past few days I've seen how much everything has been affecting me. I went to the YMCA and while I was there there were a number of people I just wanted to never see again. It's been a long time since I've had those feelings that intense, and you know what? I'm scared. Last night just put me over the edge. A guy across the hall came to visit Abby, and by the end of the night I just wanted to cry, partly from what he was saying, but mostly becuase I'm afraid of becoming what I was. I'm so much better, and I've grown so much, but I really think fairly soon, I'll slip, and that scares me. Maybe I need to take a break from everything and everyone; maybe I need to learn tolerance; maybe I just need to find the right people. I really don't know right now. I had an amazing breakdown with Charona, something I could have used a long time ago. I just wish I didn't have to let it get that far. I have so much growing to do, and I feel so far behind in so many aspects of the world, and I don;t even know if I want to work to make it any better. I'm taking a break from everything for a few days. I skipped one of my classes today, and I'm not going to let myself freak out for a little while. I need to chill. I've snapped at enough people to last me a while. How did I miss out on getting all the social skills?
I'm doing the 30 Hour Famine this weekend, and even though almost everyone I talk to thinks it's a bad idea or unsupportive or whatever, I think it may help me. If nothing else, I'll have the chance to be around other people for a while. Hopefully they'll be the right ones.
I don't know. I just need to find a way to deal with things, which I've never been able to do, but maybe that's what college will help me do, although right now I don't know about that. I just wish I understood why I do things. Oh well. Things aren;t as bad as I make them out to be, but that doesn;t mean I don;t want them to get better. I'll try not to freak out now though. We'll save that for later. |
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[Feb. 18th, 2006|01:47 am] |
Well that was awkward. I walked in on my roommate and her boyfriend. She was sobbing, and all I heard him say was, "I'm sorry I thought that turned you on." Wel I didn't know what to do, so I walked around for a while, but everything seems peaceful for now. Speaking of roommates, I'm really nervous about next year. I have yet to find a roommate, and I know that nothing will be like my quad this year. The situation isn;t always the best, but when I need someone, all I have to do is walk into the room. They know when I'm hurting, and I know when they are. It took us a semester to get to this point. It took me over a month to even really talk to them. I don;t know how a new roommate is going to work out for me, but I guess I can't know until I get there or at least pick a roommate. I have until March Second. Hopefully I find someone soon... I'm just going to miss the girls so much. It was an amazing experience, but I guess maybe next year will be better, but I'm kind of freaking out about the roommate thing.
I'm also freaking out about finding a major. Some people are just making me so frustrated becuase I don;t think they really care or understand. My SA brought me to University Counseling Services last semester becuase I was (and still am) having a whole bunch of problems related to academics. The girl I saw basically said that there wasn;t anything else I could do, and maybe when I found a major, things would get better. Fast forward to Wednesday. I have an appointment at the career center because I want to find a major. It's what I feel is my last hope for being able to feel good about my schoolwork and be happy with classes and everything, something I haven't felt since partway through senior year. Well the guy I talk to tells me he doesn't know where to even start, my profile is very flat basically I'm going to take a whole lot of work, and basically made me feel like I wasn't even supposed to be in college, which I do sometimes feel. I hate how everyone has been thinking I'm okay in my schoolwork even when I'm really upset becuase my grades in high school and last semester were decent. It's not about grades! Sometimes I just want to scream, though I did have a good talk with Charona about it yesterday. I'm going to miss living with her so much next year. She's basically amazing.
But things aren't all bad by any means, sure I'm a lot more down than last semester, but I'm on an ultimate high compared to last year. I'm starting to feel a little more comfortable with everything. I usually actually have something to do on the weekends. I have an amazing group of people around me all the time. Once I get the roommate and major things taken care of, hopefully I'll be feeling a lot better, though I really can;t complain about now. |
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